Shame: the forgotten emotion by Carol Linton, Therapeutic Consultant
Shame is one of the most powerful emotions that we can experience, and yet it is the most neglected, avoided and at times intentionally forgotten emotion. We speak freely about anger, sadness, fear, even guilt. But shame often sits quietly in the background, shaping how we see ourselves, our pace, our rhythm and how we move through the world. It is the emotion that whispers quietly in our ear, “There is something wrong with me”, rather than ” I simply did something wrong.
It is an emotion that is rarely named yet deeply felt. And for children living in foster homes, whose early experiences may have been one of neglect, rejection or developmental trauma, shame can become an invisible thread woven tightly through their everyday lives. It can be the painful belief that whispers “I am flawed, unworthy, or fundamentally bad”. It can show up as an intense feeling that is fearful of exposure, feeling unsafe, dreads being judged or simply evokes feelings of being unacceptable in a world that should feel safe. Unlike guilt which often focuses on behaviour like “I did something wrong I feel guilty. Shame can focus on feelings like “I am wrong, at fault or to blame…”. This distinction is important as shame has the power to shape a person’s entire sense of self.
From a therapeutic perspective, shame is not just an emotion; it is an experience that can quietly erode and shake the foundations of a person’s inner world. It can fragment identity, convince people that they are unlovable, defective or that they are fundamentally different from others. It can undermine confidence by creating a constant fear of being judged or exposed. Even small challenges can feel overwhelming. It can also erode self-esteem. Convincing a person that they do not deserve good things, healthy relationships or even success in life. Praise can feel uncomfortable; criticism can feel devastating. Shame encourages hiding, withdrawal and staying small. It can stop individuals from trying new things, speaking up or taking healthy risks.
In relationship it makes connection difficult, when someone feels they are unworthy they may avoid closeness, fear rejection or misinterpret general non-threatening interactions as criticism. Shame is not loud. It does not shout but quietly shapes how someone sees themselves and how they believe others will treat them. If it is used intentionally or unintentionally in conversation- a harsh tone, a sarcastic comment, a dismissive remark, a look of disapproval. It can land heavily on someone who already carries shame and reinforces the self-belief that they are “too much”, “not enough or a problem.
For children whose histories have been coloured by trauma, shame delivered through language and behaviour can confirm their fears buried deeply within. Developmental trauma; neglect, inconsistent care, frightening experinces, abandonment or rejection can create fertile ground for shame. Children in the care system often believe they are there because they are “bad”, “naughty” or “unwanted”. They may feel they are to blame for being removed from their home. Shame can influence their belief of self and how they show up in relationships. Trauma can interrupt the formation of a stable, secure sense of self. Shame can become woven into their developmental narrative, becoming a survival strategy: “If I stay small, maybe I won’t get hurt” or “if I don’t show my needs, I won’t be rejected”. This is an adaptive strategy that can be seen as misbehaviour if not fully understood.
As therapeutic parents, understanding the complexity of shame is extremely important. It is powerful, deep-rooted, and has the potential to impact a child’s identity and change the lens in which they see themselves. Understanding the complexity of shame can enhance and facilitate carers’ capacity to offer nurturing, containment, empathy, growth and development through new lenses of playfulness, acceptance, curiosity and empathy. Inviting carers to meet children at a place where they are at and to respond to big feelings and emotional storms with curiosity rather than frustration, and being mindful that our interactions have the power to reinforce shame or empathically reduce it. Our tone of voice and facial expressions also have the power to communicate “you are a problem or “You are safe, worthy and valued”. For children trying to rebuild their sense of self this awareness is not optional it is essential to break the cycle of shame helping children to step into their future with new narratives to freely grow, trust and thrive in life.